Damit Gym, I'm a Graphic Designer not a bicep with legs!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Happy birthday Harry Potter...

So it has been 80 days since my first blog post on here. What has changed since that first nonsensical blog about me being 80 days away from my 30th birthday? Well, I turned 30 that's what. Happy birthday to me! And apparently Harry Potter... http://tinyurl.com/kvq2vyp

Yesterday It was bought to my attention that I am entering the dirty thirties. What the fuck is the "Dirty Thirties" anyway? I have been absolutely FILTHY for the last 29 years and 364 days! If I get any dirtier I swear the CDC will have to quarantine me for excessive nastiness. Like a stampeding plague of "eeeuuuwww" spreading across the world heading straight for Carly Rae Jepsen!

So to reiterate... If you are reading this Carly, I am saving myself for you now. I shall not rest until my face lives inside your cleavage like a hobo under a bridge... A bridge made of boobs. Your boobs.

*mops up the drool now puddling on the floor at his feet and sits back down*

So what kind of blog would this be if I didn't at least try put fourth some knowledge that I have learnt over the last 30 years of existence? Welcome my children to...

"30 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT IN 30 YEARS"

1. No one has any idea what they are doing in life!

This one is pretty self explanatory. I mean think to yourself why you are here on Earth? Some might babble on about their religious beliefs and how they are here to learn lessons and strive to be the best person they can be until they die... Well to you fuckers I CALL BULLSHIT!

You go to Pre-School to learn enough to get into High-School to learn enough to get into a College to learn enough to get a job to pay for the car you need to get to work and the house you live in to keep you safe  overnight so you can go back to the job you need to be able to pay for the food to keep you alive and the car to get you to work and the house to keep you safe... AND THEN YOU DIE! 

2. Nothing lasts forever

I guess this one is more personal than anything. You may have met the love of your life in preschool and never looked back and lived a happy life with white picket fences and a dog named "Spot" and two and a half children running around peeing on your flower garden and shouting "I HATE YOU!" when you tell them they cant go out because its a school night... God that does sounds fun.

But for me it seems I have been traversing the dating scene like it was an episode of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire". I meet an amazing girl, we date and things go well! Then my inner wannabe millionaire kicks in and I find myself screaming "TAKE A CHANCE!" and the whole thing crumbles. I'm left there holding a box with a great big question mark on the lid. Inside that box? More boxes... Stupid boxes.

3. Wine is awesome, and cheap, and comes in 5 litre boxes!

Being the cheapskate I am, throughout my early drinking career I experimented a lot in a multitude of cheap alcohols. Some of which weren't bad if you didn't mind sporadic tufts of hair growing out of strange places on your body the morning after. Others could not be consumed without you waking up the next morning inside a washing basket, completely naked. A crusty white substance sticking your face to some dirty underwear... And as your brain starts to return to reality, a few questions arise... Since when did you own a washing basket? Since when did you own frilly pink underwear? And what in the fuck is licking your toes?!

Long story short, buy yourself a 5 litre box of white semi sweet wine. Then purchase yourself some red or green squeezy concentrate juice. Then use the juice normally except instead of diluting it with water, use the wine... You, your bank account and some random girls washing basket will thank you later.

4. No matter how much money you make it will never be enough and you will always be poor forever... and ever and ever and ever and ever.

If I have to explain this one to you, you're obviously not earning money and life has been good to you for now... Give it time.

5. The girl you want will never want you, the rest will steal your hoodies.

This could probably be the best advice I could ever give any male. If you like a girl and think she may actually be one who you could see a future with, STOP RIGHT NOW! Put down that bouquet of roses. Set that cute teddybear on fire and kick it into next week. Keep that adorable love poem in your head and bury it so deep even Cthulhu couldn't ever unearth it. These words are going to sound like they mean nothing but listen and remember.

GIRLS DON'T WANT YOU IF THEY KNOW YOU WANT THEM! I honestly don't know what it is. Maybe it centuries of bad programming and terrible abuse from the male species which has beaten the sense right out of them. Maybe its all the pesticides stockpiling on salad ingredients, we all know how much salad women eat. Maybe it's just that women are put onto this earth to confuse males to the point where they just crack and crumble and turn into a mushy putty which the evil women of the world can mold into their own personal jar opening flesh vessel... Again who knows, I sure as fuck don't. But if you truly want a girl show her just enough interest to keep her around and THAT'S IT!

And also they are all out to steal your hoodies... Hoodies are like pokemon, or crack to them!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so my plan to do a whole list of 30 things has begun cutting into my birthday drinking and Harry is getting a little antsy to party... So I guess ya'll have no choice but to stay tuned for Part 2!

Stupid people are stupid.

Sometimes I think about all of the stupid people in the world... And how stupid they are and why I'm not super rich. Then I remember It's because I'm one of them.

And that is okay. Regretfully I will never be President... But thankfully for you guys, I will never be President.  That shit looks hard. Especially the part where you have to eat sushi off naked ladies.

If she's ticklish... Shits about to get messy up in this bitch.

I mean, if Julius Malema did it. How hard could it be right? Imagine being that girl, naked, eyes closed... Holding in a fart that could level a small Guatemalan Village. A little sweat mustache forming on your face, you start to whistle but as you do a tiny little phweep slips out. You clench shaking the table. A single piece of sushi can be heard thudding softly against the rough wooden finish... Silence... You squeak one eye open slowly to spot a table of onlookers staring down at you. Your eyes widen and you quickly sit up to find you have just given birth!

BOOM! Yea I bet you didn't see that coming. You sick individuals, we all know women don't fart. And you all know this is an actual show right? As in, this has happened enough times... To make a full on TV series about it!

Cashier: Would you like a bag ma'am?

Lady: No its ok

Cashier: So have you thought of a name yet? *nods over to the girls inflated belly*

Lady: A... Name? *peers down, then back up*

Cashier: For the baby!

Lady: Ooooh hahaha.. No, I'm not pregnant. I just went to all you can eat ribs awhile back and *pats belly*, it was never the same again.

<This dramatic reenactment works better if you remember this is shot in America... Probably at Walmart>

But back to woman not farting!

DOUBLE BOOM! They so do... I seem to have a talent for dating girls who feel the need to fart on me. Most while sleeping, occasionally while tickling them till they pass out. Sometimes even in the bath, like they think you wont notice a medley of bubbles conveniently rising up at the same time near there butt... And the fact that your citrus scented incense now smells like Shitrus.

So in closing, remember to always fart. Unless you're a lady, then always fart and say excuse me.

Wanted: Roommate

Dear World,

It has recently developed that I am in the market for a new roommate... The specifics as to why I need a new roommate are simple. I killed the last one for drinking my beer.

Now we have that out the way, let me tell you what you will be getting.

20 reasons why piercing your hand is a stupid fucking idea...

So, I wrote a song *sniffs, flicks hair*

It's called "I'm not a very good emo"

Ooooooooooooooh....

No dogs were harmed in the making of this video...

Ever wonder what a bachelor gets up to after a night out of partying and a body filled with copious amounts of vodka?

Talks to his dog with his hand with an <undisclosed> accent of course...

Knock knock... Who's there?.... Well I don't know, I haven't opened the door yet.

I got bear when she was just a newborn pup. Her parents, two Jack Russels. The mother was a crabby thing, chasing mailmen and monkeys alike. The father was a dick.

My Jack Russel could have one of these inside it...

My Jack Russel could have one or more of these inside her... And stay with me here but, what in the fuckity fuck is it...

This is just an intro... Feel free to skip to

Almost 30

I am 30 years old in exactly 80 days. I have had writers block for 10 years. Yes, I still call myself a writer. Ladies love writers.