This blog is full of cats...

Saturday, 5 May 2018

Be kind...

I have recently been through a breakup. It was mostly one-sided, considering she would have poisoned me if I hadn't bought her a plane ticket for the next day. No time to think or contemplate and plot. It was the only way. It was also a long time coming. Remember kids, there's nothing easy about life. And certainties are far and few between.

Sometimes in life, you can find yourself in a situation where nothing you do is okay. There's not enough compassion or emotion that can fill a void if that person doesn't even know the void exists. It's your job to make sure that you don't look down on your efforts. You tried man, you fucking tried.

In a lot of other peoples eyes, they are struggling to find a person like you, you're doing more than they could ever possibly imagine for the wrong person and you need to embrace that shit! Stop looking down on your efforts because someone comes in and makes you feel like they're worth nothing. Why? Why would you ever consider the good things that you're doing a waste of time? Live it. Your actions. Emotions.

Take everything you have learnt and use it as a motivation rather than a reason not to be you. Burst fourth like an ejaculating penis onto anything and everything in front of you (besides kids because just don't be that guy.. Sicko). Be free in the knowledge that you, in fact, are an amazing person. The levels of caring you possess are beyond most peoples capabilities to even fake. Just be you. You are cool.

Take this message to myself as motivation to yourself, if you're finding yourself in a toxic situation get the fuck out. Why are you still reading and not figuring your way out? Go. Go now. You can thank me later.

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

The extrovert introvert

Does anyone else have a similar mindset in the sense that everyone on this planet is a piece of shit and you wish they were all dead? Except like literally 5 people, the ones you tolerate because they good peeps, and you know you can trust them which is a bonus. I hate going places, hate having to interact with people, but I am really good at it. When I'm in a situation where people are around I handle my biz, but the rest of the time literally picturing all of humanity burning in flames so I don't have to answer my phone whenever it rings.. I mean I don't answer it anyway, mainly because its always someone trying to sell me something. Besides that I pick up for my mom but who doesn't? You're vaginally obligated. It's in the rules.

#extrovert #introvert #shit #dead #tolerate #burning #flames #phoneamiright? #mom #vaginallyobligated

Thursday, 6 April 2017

It's the Greg and Dave shooooooow... Featuring, Greg and Daaaaaaaave

Episode 1 - "Terrified my poo's for years"

[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Dude.. is this funny
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Read the whole thing through
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: follow the prompts
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: hoping your sounds on.. for effect
[21:02, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: hi dave
[21:02, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Lol greg what are younsoing
[21:02, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Hi greg
[21:02, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: and this time in english please dave
[21:02, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: hahaha
[21:03, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Lol fuck you
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: eat my dick
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: :D
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: but first
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: read this.. is it funny
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: i made myself laugh
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: which isnt new
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: okay shut the fuck up
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: beep haha
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: okay
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: shhh
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: .
[21:03, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Holy shit, I've just actually figured out the meaning of life. What our purpose on the planet is. Breed the most attractive and intelligent spawn we can. That's why we procreate, slowly moving our way up the line to more attractive and spawnable with people. I don't know if that's a real word or not but fuck it.
[21:04, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: it makes you say butt fuck it in your brain
[21:04, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: and you know you heard it
[21:05, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Ok so you are saying you keep porking till you pop out a good looking baby
[21:05, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: well
[21:05, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: the best you can
[21:05, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: in your lifetime
[21:05, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: which.. lets be honest, isnt as long as we presumed
[21:06, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: was only checking if the butt fuck it was funny.. butt fuck you dave, NO IMAGINATION!
[21:06, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: But fuckit greg it wasnt
[21:07, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: On a scale of one to lemmy from motor head how drunk are you
[21:08, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: https://hugelolcdn.com/i/34234.gif
[21:08, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: thats how fast my clothes would come off if I was a while girl in the city
[21:09, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: If I had force powers I would totally do that. Or even better question would you use it to finger chicks or cause dudes to get awkward boners
[21:10, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: And is it gay if you use it to jack off dudes
[21:10, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: definitely poke people in the ass while they take a dump.. always a fear of anyone, id grab their balls but that would be too terrifying.. Grudge style ugh
[21:11, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: and well, you're not touching them
[21:11, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: so ruling says no
[21:11, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: not gay
[21:11, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: unless you get off on it
[21:11, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: then just a lil gay
[21:11, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Oh jesus thanks for giving me a new thing to fear when taking a shit
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: how have you never thought about a hand
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: dude.. terrified my poos for years
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: YEARS
[21:12, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: It could be handy if you are constipated.
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: dude
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: its a strangers hand
[21:12, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: I mean
[21:13, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: You don't know where that fuckers been
[21:13, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: It could be a hobo's hand Dave, a hobo's
[21:14, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Why would he be in the bowl
[21:14, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: https://img.pandawhale.com/post-24479-crazy-hobo-fighter-gif-pl1J.gif
[21:14, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Does he live there? Does he need a sandwich?
[21:14, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Well it is a hypothetical question dude
[21:14, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: so yea
[21:14, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: he'll probably take a hypothetical sandwich
[21:14, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: he's been down there for awhile I presume
[21:18, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: ZOMG
[21:18, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: trying to copy paste this conversation DID NOT WORK
[21:18, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: ive decided to make our conversations public
[21:18, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: see what happens
[21:18, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: haha
[21:19, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Ha ha ha that's awesome and a terrible idea
[21:19, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Welcome to the GAMESHOW DAAAAVE
[21:19, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: awesomely terrible.. I know.. thought the same
[21:19, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: but then I was like weeeeeeeell
[21:19, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: So you definitely are lemmy drunk
[21:19, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: First episode is called
[21:19, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Episode 1 - "Terrified my poo's for years"
[21:19, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Ha ha ha
[21:20, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: but when you copy paste from whatsapp you gotta clear all the usernames and time and shit.. its a fucking ballache.. from every msg
[21:20, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: unless you print screen each slide.. even that is a god damn ball ache
[21:21, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: GOT THE BLOG READY AND EVERYTHING
[21:21, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: WE MUST LAUNCH!
[21:21, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: LAUNCH
[21:21, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: https://media.giphy.com/media/oaPcDncoLfgjK/giphy.gif
[21:21, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: I think podcasts with topics isn't a bad idea.
[21:22, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Your moms a podcast
[21:23, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Do you still not let your feet dangle off the edge of the bed. I have read that a lot of people still don't. I sure as fuck don't and I'm a grown man. Living by yourself can be terrifying.
[21:29, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Right! No doubt about that, you must hear the fucking wind this side.. Sleeping beautifully, thinking about cocktails on the beach with some squish when HOLY SHIT WELCOME TO VIETNAM BRAH! Shit starts slamming, you think Liam Neeson's about to bust his daughter out the next room.
[21:31, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Why do you have his daughter....
[21:31, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Well.. Not right now
[21:32, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: She did make me lunch though, sweet girl
[21:33, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Dude. I fucking swear something was in my room the other night. Made me shit myself and for some reason cover my feet. What the fuck kind defense mechanism is that. Intruder alert! Quick cover the feet it's my only weak spot.
[21:33, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Feet turtling I call it.
[21:35, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: I call it move your fucking feet coz the motherfucker gonna get your feet defense.
[21:36, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-03-2015/iM4kIq.gif
[21:37, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Lol what the fuck gifs are you finding
[21:37, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Remember to zig zag if anything does touch you.. It's the safest way
[21:37, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: It's the best I can do Dave.. fuck
[21:41, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: How do you zigzag if you are taking a shit
[21:42, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: I want to say carefully
[21:42, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: but that shit is going everywhere regardless
[21:43, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: it's like a very brittle tail... made out of shit
[21:44, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: https://media.giphy.com/media/YfeGwzt0nrbuU/giphy.gif
[21:45, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: I'm not sure who made that or why they needed a gif of a cat taking a shit. But I will drink to that.
[21:46, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: This is the kind of thing the government doesn't want you seeing.
[21:55, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Bitch what's your email?
[21:56, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: You definitely want to proof read before I send
[21:57, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Shits live yo
[21:58, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Lol
[21:59, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Nah you go nuts. But
[22:00, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: You should use a pseudonym
[22:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: I'll be Batman
[22:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: It's a little more believable than you being Batman
[22:01, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: No offence
[22:04, 4/6/2017] Davidouche: Well if I had a face like yours I would want a full mask as well.

[22:06, 4/6/2017] <-- This Guy: Touche

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Damit Gym, I'm a Graphic Designer not a bicep with legs!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Happy birthday Harry Potter...

So it has been 80 days since my first blog post on here. What has changed since that first nonsensical blog about me being 80 days away from my 30th birthday? Well, I turned 30 that's what. Happy birthday to me! And apparently Harry Potter... http://tinyurl.com/kvq2vyp

Yesterday It was bought to my attention that I am entering the dirty thirties. What the fuck is the "Dirty Thirties" anyway? I have been absolutely FILTHY for the last 29 years and 364 days! If I get any dirtier I swear the CDC will have to quarantine me for excessive nastiness. Like a stampeding plague of "eeeuuuwww" spreading across the world heading straight for Carly Rae Jepsen!

So to reiterate... If you are reading this Carly, I am saving myself for you now. I shall not rest until my face lives inside your cleavage like a hobo under a bridge... A bridge made of boobs. Your boobs.

*mops up the drool now puddling on the floor at his feet and sits back down*

So what kind of blog would this be if I didn't at least try put fourth some knowledge that I have learnt over the last 30 years of existence? Welcome my children to...

"30 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT IN 30 YEARS"

1. No one has any idea what they are doing in life!

This one is pretty self explanatory. I mean think to yourself why you are here on Earth? Some might babble on about their religious beliefs and how they are here to learn lessons and strive to be the best person they can be until they die... Well to you fuckers I CALL BULLSHIT!

You go to Pre-School to learn enough to get into High-School to learn enough to get into a College to learn enough to get a job to pay for the car you need to get to work and the house you live in to keep you safe overnight so you can go back to the job you need to be able to pay for the food to keep you alive and the car to get you to work and the house to keep you safe... AND THEN YOU DIE!

2. Nothing lasts forever

I guess this one is more personal than anything. You may have met the love of your life in preschool and never looked back and lived a happy life with white picket fences and a dog named "Spot" and two and a half children running around peeing on your flower garden and shouting "I HATE YOU!" when you tell them they cant go out because its a school night... God that does sounds fun.

But for me it seems I have been traversing the dating scene like it was an episode of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire". I meet an amazing girl, we date and things go well! Then my inner wannabe millionaire kicks in and I find myself screaming "TAKE A CHANCE!" and the whole thing crumbles. I'm left there holding a box with a great big question mark on the lid. Inside that box? More boxes... Stupid boxes.

3. Wine is awesome, and cheap, and comes in 5 litre boxes!

Being the cheapskate I am, throughout my early drinking career I experimented a lot in a multitude of cheap alcohols. Some of which weren't bad if you didn't mind sporadic tufts of hair growing out of strange places on your body the morning after. Others could not be consumed without you waking up the next morning inside a washing basket, completely naked. A crusty white substance sticking your face to some dirty underwear... And as your brain starts to return to reality, a few questions arise... Since when did you own a washing basket? Since when did you own frilly pink underwear? And what in the fuck is licking your toes?!

Long story short, buy yourself a 5 litre box of white semi sweet wine. Then purchase yourself some red or green squeezy concentrate juice. Then use the juice normally except instead of diluting it with water, use the wine... You, your bank account and some random girls washing basket will thank you later.

4. No matter how much money you make it will never be enough and you will always be poor forever... and ever and ever and ever and ever.

If I have to explain this one to you, you're obviously not earning money and life has been good to you for now... Give it time.

5. The girl you want will never want you, the rest will steal your hoodies.

This could probably be the best advice I could ever give any male. If you like a girl and think she may actually be one who you could see a future with, STOP RIGHT NOW! Put down that bouquet of roses. Set that cute teddybear on fire and kick it into next week. Keep that adorable love poem in your head and bury it so deep even Cthulhu couldn't ever unearth it. These words are going to sound like they mean nothing but listen and remember.

GIRLS DON'T WANT YOU IF THEY KNOW YOU WANT THEM! I honestly don't know what it is. Maybe it centuries of bad programming and terrible abuse from the male species which has beaten the sense right out of them. Maybe its all the pesticides stockpiling on salad ingredients, we all know how much salad women eat. Maybe it's just that women are put onto this earth to confuse males to the point where they just crack and crumble and turn into a mushy putty which the evil women of the world can mold into their own personal jar opening flesh vessel... Again who knows, I sure as fuck don't. But if you truly want a girl show her just enough interest to keep her around and THAT'S IT!

And also they are all out to steal your hoodies... Hoodies are like pokemon, or crack to them!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so my plan to do a whole list of 30 things has begun cutting into my birthday drinking and Harry is getting a little antsy to party... So I guess ya'll have no choice but to stay tuned for Part 2!

Monday, 17 June 2013

Stupid people are stupid.

Sometimes I think about all of the stupid people in the world... And how stupid they are and why I'm not super rich. Then I remember It's because I'm one of them.

And that is okay. Regretfully I will never be President... But thankfully for you guys, I will never be President. That shit looks hard. Especially the part where you have to eat sushi off naked ladies.

If she's ticklish... Shits about to get messy up in this bitch.

I mean, if Julius Malema did it. How hard could it be right? Imagine being that girl, naked, eyes closed... Holding in a fart that could level a small Guatemalan Village. A little sweat mustache forming on your face, you start to whistle but as you do a tiny little phweep slips out. You clench shaking the table. A single piece of sushi can be heard thudding softly against the rough wooden finish... Silence... You squeak one eye open slowly to spot a table of onlookers staring down at you. Your eyes widen and you quickly sit up to find you have just given birth!

BOOM! Yea I bet you didn't see that coming. You sick individuals, we all know women don't fart. And you all know this is an actual show right? As in, this has happened enough times... To make a full on TV series about it!

Cashier: Would you like a bag ma'am?

Lady: No its ok

Cashier: So have you thought of a name yet? *nods over to the girls inflated belly*

Lady: A... Name? *peers down, then back up*

Cashier: For the baby!

Lady: Ooooh hahaha.. No, I'm not pregnant. I just went to all you can eat ribs awhile back and *pats belly*, it was never the same again.

<This dramatic reenactment works better if you remember this is shot in America... Probably at Walmart>

But back to woman not farting!

DOUBLE BOOM! They so do... I seem to have a talent for dating girls who feel the need to fart on me. Most while sleeping, occasionally while tickling them till they pass out. Sometimes even in the bath, like they think you wont notice a medley of bubbles conveniently rising up at the same time near there butt... And the fact that your citrus scented incense now smells like Shitrus.

So in closing, remember to always fart. Unless you're a lady, then always fart and say excuse me.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Wanted: Roommate

Dear World,

It has recently developed that I am in the market for a new roommate... The specifics as to why I need a new roommate are simple. I killed the last one for drinking my beer.

Now we have that out the way, let me tell you what you will be getting.